I’ve found myself having many emotions and thoughts since I found out I was pregnant. Other than the initial shock, I’ve had some very excited thoughts picturing holding our baby for the first time, or just holding that sweet little thing and just basking in the incredible love that I know I have never really experienced yet as a parent.
I have also had nervous thoughts, like how am I going to function if I have a baby that doesn’t sleep at night? I barely function now with no sleep and no one to take care of. Or how am I going to know what to do when the baby gets sick or throws up and I just feel like a moron because I want my mom to come help? Just random...weird....normal (I think) thoughts like that. I have also had some very sad thoughts.
As many of you know because I have been very open about it, we lost my uncle this past June. It is a weird experience to be mourning the loss of someone you love so much, and then in the next breath being very excited for new life that you have had a part in creating. At times, I am a little angry and sad because Uncle Mark will never know my child(ren). I know he would be VERY excited for Josh and me. I know he would have texted me A BUNCH of times by now and would probably have some witty things to say, but also some very comforting tips and advice. I still think about him everyday. I still cry a lot. I still miss him. I still cringe sometimes during church when I think about leaving the church service that day because something bad had happened to Uncle Mark. I still hurt...a lot. And at the same time, I am so excited and so thankful that God has blessed me with this new gift and this new season of growing and preparation to be a mom. Words I have always imagined saying...but can’t even fathom that I am speaking them at this moment. I am extremely grateful. I have quite a few friends that have had trouble getting pregnant, lost their babies, and even some friends that have been told that they will never have children. My heart goes out to each friend, and I don’t mean to rub anything in anyone’s face. Like I said, I am grateful and joyful, but I know there are hurting people out there...sometimes I find myself feeling guilty for the season that I’m in when I know others might be in a valley or a hard time. Anyhow, I don’t want to dwell on that, but I want to address this, because it is important to me for anyone out there reading this who has either lost a loved one or who has had trouble getting pregnant. I can’t exactly relate 100% to that, but I sympathize, and I hurt for you. Maybe this is why adoption has always been so close to my heart. I still hope that Josh and I will have the opportunity to adopt one day!
Anyhow, my prayer over these next 6 months is that God would really begin to equip Josh and I with wisdom in raising a little one. I know we won’t ever be “ready.” I know we are both still kids ourselves, but I want to raise up our children in the way they should go, so that when they are old, they will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). I am far from perfect, and I went through a little rebel/pain in the butt stage, but one thing I can honestly say and am so thankful and grateful to be able to truthfully say is that is how my parents raised me. I am able to look back and see His protection in the way that Trey and I were raised, and I know that my parents made a HUGE impact in us both deciding and desiring to follow Christ. I want Josh and I to do the same for our kids!!! I pray that we will! So, here it goes! The documentation of little Baby Downing. I am ecstatic! More pictures, projects, and I’m sure funny stories to come....might have to share how my family found out I was pregnant. That’s a funny one....but this is it for now!